Now that its official, and I am now a blogger, I am going to attempt with all my might to keep a consistency to the frequency of my posts. My last post laid out what my mission statement is and I will go back to the topic of addiction and recovery throughout the progression of this Blog.
I apologize in advance, for I am not educated to the degree in writing that I should be but I will learn, and I appreciate your patience.
Today marks Monday, December 4, 2017. 5 days before my album goes online for the world to hear. It will be available on iTunes, Amazon Digital Services, Google Music, and Spotify.
That’s just a few of the places you’ll be able to find it. I will also be selling hard copies along with digital packages on my website. I mention this because today’s blog I want to talk about the MUSIC. After all I am a musician, and that’s what I do. It’s my artistic outlet. HOW I take the bullshit in my life and turn it into something Beautiful.
I’ve been an addict in active recovery for roughly 3 years at this point and I’ve met a lot of people who have lost their passion for life, their hobbies and their ambition. I can relate to that in so many ways. There have been times where depression has gotten the best of me and Music seemed dead, and I felt like a zombie. I’d eat my feelings away and numb myself by binge watching countless shows wasting away so much time. I bet I’ve wasted months of my life in front of a screen ignoring my issues. And this doesn’t even account for my porn addiction, and even deeper Sex addiction.
BUT I’m getting WAY off topic. My album! It was born out of this turmoil. And still today I’m blessed with my curious Musical nature to explore the depths of my heart and mind, and lets not forget, My Spirit. I believe addiction is a Disease. DIS-EASE.
A disease of the spirit, mind and body. Music attacks all of these at ONCE.
Back when I had to deal with my first heartbreak it was because of this addiction, Over 5 years ago. I didn’t know it yet, but I was lost in Porn, and I began exploring more and more exhilarating, and riskier behavior. It destroyed my sense of Love, my sense of intimacy and my sense of reality. The relationship I was in at the time, 5 years plus, ENDED, and I was devastated. This break up; sounds cliché, inspired the song Broken, which is track 2 on my album. This one song set the groundwork and motif for the entire album, In These Shoes.
I didn’t know it at the time; I was working in the band Calista. I wasn’t thinking of writing my own album, and this song sat on the shelf for a few years.
I was writing lyrics for the band, and I wrote a few songs for myself on the side. It had been my therapy for as long as I can remember playing and writing music. Creating something new, and exploring the realm of music took me away and gave me peace. But only while the music lasted, once it was over I found it easy to fall back into depression, and to cope I went to the countless addictions that I acquired.
To say the least, I was in active addiction, and on my good days there would be music. My bad days I would risk my health, finances, and dignity to forget about my pain.
Calista recorded an EP, This Parking Lot Makes the Best Dance Floor. Working on this album had changed my Life. The music we made in the studio was on another level for me, and not to mention, a healthy outlet. The lyrics on that EP, for the most part are metaphors for my sex addiction. Every time I listen back to it I am reminded of the battle and the fucked up things I was doing with my life. If you have never heard it I have to say, GO TAKE A LISTEN! The energy on that recording is something Great, and the musicianship and cohesiveness of that EP is treasured in my heart.
But that’s not all. During the recording process with Calista, I pushed my boundaries, as a musician and as a singer. We would work on a section of a song for hours then decide to take the session home and work on it till it was what we wanted. We set the Bar high, and I pushed to make it, I pushed so fucking Hard I blew my voice out and then kept going.
I remember we almost had all the lead vocals done and My voice was DONE like DINNER for 2. We decided to take some time and see if my voice would come back. I think it was a week or maybe 2. We had the studio on stand by, and one day after work My voice was back, so I thought. We booked the studio for 1 AM. I’ll never forget it. We banged out the last two songs and I finished blowing the rest of my Left Vocal Fold apart. If you take a listen to Track 5, Make Me Sing (situational Irony, God must of had a laugh), you can hear my growl develop… a growl that shouldn’t be there.
Like I said, this changed my life. I was an ADDICT with no OUTLET. My VOICE was Gone. I was a singer, but not anymore. I was having an identity crisis, and an existential crisis. The band disbanded, and I was a mess. I was Broken as Broken could be. Spiritually. Mentally. Physically.
A couple months later I met someone new and Fell in Love, and it took me on a ride. It was a ride away from my problems, so I thought. I abandoned music, my outlet, and pursued a relationship. Not only was I pursuing a relationship I was pursuing a sex addiction, a workout addiction, a food addiction and a “TV addiction.”
BROKEN. Broken. I wanted this Blog post to be more about music, and I keep going back to addiction. So Ill get back to it right now.
A few months after this new relationship started and after My Vocal Surgery I took off to Work in Texas. No guitar, and no singing Voice …yet. It was 3 months this way, living in addiction, alone. I began to crave music like never before. It was Christmas time I went back home for the holidays, and when I returned to Texas My girlfriend lent me her acoustic guitar. I began writing again and beginning to feel the Power of music. It didn’t heal me, because I was too far-gone, but it brought me a little bit of peace.
The Song Broken had come back into my life, and I was realizing I had a problem and it wouldn’t fix it self. My sex addiction was about to ruin my second relationship, and I was still half way in denial but I was beginning to see I wasn’t healthy, and I wasn’t Fit to be someone’s Other Half. But Love kept me trying, even if my addiction was making my effort half assed.
So my album, In These Shoes, it’s got this story at its core. Two relationships eaten up by this addiction, and years of bullshit, but I found a way to tell it in my music. I was searching for love and connection in all the wrong places. You can’t buy it and you sure as hell can’t watch in on a screen.
“In those shoes I’ve been around, In those Shoes I have been around; I fell down and I tumbled around but I never found… I never found Your Lovin”
The lyrics from my Song In Those Shoes, the last track on my album.
The ALBUM shows my journey from living in darkness and not knowing Love, to discovering how to love my self.
I was Recording this album all while I was relearning how to sing and mend my BROKEN heart and voice.
I dedicate this album to all the still suffering addicts out there. You are not alone. We are stronger together. There is hope, there is always hope.
Music is love. Music is connection. Through music, like prayer and like meditation connects me to my Loving higher power, and shows me that life is worth living.
Peace and LOVE