Today. Monday. March 25th. I struggle. I struggle with life management. Life gets busy and I find it hard to deal with all the things I want to. Music, relationships, work, personal health/care and trying to do what I can to make the world better. And then there is dealing with negativity. Bullshit that I have no control over. This overwhelmed feeling causes anxiety and unnecessary stress. So my mind wants an escape. It wants to be soothed. The feeling of not being good enough rises.
This is where my addict, my old self (the part of me that I wish to forget exists but if I do forget about it I will most likely succumb to its demoralizing, dehumanizing behaviour)
Lust isn’t the enemy, although lust is a negative aspect to attraction, it is very much a part of the old lizard brain. Lust is in some ways the driving force behind our population, and our population is out of control…. but that isn’t where I want to go with this post.
I am still very much sick. When my expectations are false this can trigger me. When I am overwhelmed I am triggered. When I am stressed for any reason I can be triggered. So trigger management is helpful, but not the answer. This is why meditation is so important. I am not managing the stimulus; the stimulus, which ever it might be, is inevitable.
It is inevitable for me to feel pain, to be overwhelmed, to be sad, to be stressed. So this is a truth. All life experiences trauma, stress, bullshit. Managing it is impossible, but self care through; meditation, prayer, exercise, healthy nutrition and Fasting reduces it. (Also I have found success in my recovery utilizing other Natural healing methods such as Nature Walks and Sun Light also experimenting with Red Light for depression and healing purposes)
So today I battled anxiety and depression. Although mild I found myself thinking about suicide. Overwhelmed by financial stress, music, failure, shame.
I wanted to indulge my addiction. Why not? Sex. Primal. Stress relief. But no. I will sit in it. I will try to connect on a real level with real people. Sobriety in Sex addiction is tricky, yes. But there is a hard line that I won’t cross anymore. I have a serious Behavioural addiction that not only damages me but potentially many more people especially if the addict is in a romantic relationship.
Fantasy is in the mind. It is like Lust. It begins innocently but very quickly it progresses. Addiction of all types are progressive, thats why it is a disease. It gets worse if not treated. So fantasy can become degrading and dehumanizing. Then it will grow into behaviour. “What we think is what we become.” Brain Science 101.
So today is a win. A soft win. But I will take it. I may have had some brutal thoughts, I may have had moments of Lust. I even had moments of self hatred, shame, and objectification yet I remind myself I am not these thoughts. I am better than these thoughts, and I will not bend my better judgment.
May all beings be happy
May all Beings be healthy
May all beings find peace
May all beings live fully
God, help transform my mind. Take my lust and turn it into Love. Take my hatred and turn it into Love. Take my ignorance and make me Humble. I ask nothing but to live in your ocean of Love and share it with others. Without Your Love I am weak and dead. Fill me with your love so that I am overflowing.